Chapter (16180339887)

I'm sure that you know, that I'm watching...

I don't want to, but that's stronger than me...

** to be clear, my english is not so good – but I WANT to be sure that EVERYTHING IS THERE
[that’s why I translated it with AI from Polish]

From the moment I cut it off, not an hour passed when I didn’t think about you, day after day.

I know how thick-skinned I can be and how hard it is for anyone to reach my „inner world of emotions.” I know that if you managed to do it in just three days and considering how quickly it clicked I dare say I’m even deeper in your world…

That’s why I hope you understand that, given the situation we found ourselves in, I simply had to cut it off. I know that if I kept it going, regardless of what I decided, the feeling would only burn hotter. And if something went wrong, it would scorch you even more…

Thats why I ended it now, and I’m sure you’ll get through this. I understand you’re trying to be a strong, independent girl now, but I’ll never believe that you – that sweet little liar – were on those two crazy rollercoasters. And if you really were, then I’m proud of you. Do whatever you need to get through this in the best shape possible.

From your song… Of course I get it…
„What you thinkin’? Did you miss me?”
And of course, I miss you a lot.

And it’s also obvious that I’ll never forget those moments together.

I don’t want to repeat myself – but you’ve truly taught me so much. The way you express yourself, how you can commit to something 100%, and how deeply you can love what you doing is indescribable… I’m talking about the complete coherence between you and what you do in life, ABOVE ALL ELSE…

I remember having a mental breakdown when I realized the situation I was in on the second day back in Poland. We called on video, and you showed me your entire house. I remember you telling me not to laugh – I don’t know if you were a little embarrassed then… But I was far from laughing or judging. I was terrified at how openly you let me in, that you were willing to show me all of that. That’s when I also understood why you didn’t want to show me your linlincake before on this stupid app… Because all of that is YOU.

That’s why I was completely shocked when you posted about me on your Instagram… It just shows how deeply emotionally invested you were in this connection.

You’re an amazing woman, Charmaine Wong Szu Lin, but you’re also a sweet, fragile little bejbik (bebe, babe) – Charmander. I don’t know how many more faces you have, but I know they must all be as incredible as the ones I’ve gotten to see. And of course, you definitely have those terrible, dangerous sides I haven’t met yet—but I know I’d love them too. Because I’m someone who adores the full spectrum of this game, from good to evil, who loves the whole range and knows nobody’s perfect.

These are the positives I want to take away from our short but MEGA emotional journey. I don’t want to ruin it with the dark abyss I’ll be stepping into in the coming days. I don’t want my demons to taint our memories in any way—and MOST IMPORTANTLY—I don’t want them to affect how you see me in the future.

That’s why this will also be the last message I send you for now. I hope to find strenght in me to don’t spy on you anymore too…

And since you had a hidden song for me, here’s something unhidden for you, and there is maybe something hidden for you too
(Maybe one day I’ll hit you with another 20 of my questions -because now I know that, just like me, you’d take a bullet for me):

"We only human, girl, we make mistakes, to make it up I do whatever it takes. I "love you" like a fat kid love cake. You know my style, I say anything to make you smile."

BUTTERFLY EFFECT

STILL TRYING TO STOP THINKING

ABOUT HOW THIS

„3 DAYS ON 3TH MONTH MARCH”

COULD CHANGE MY FUTURE

… and converting this endless need of trying to figure this out into power to pushing myself to limits in business and self-improvement…

"ATTACHEMENT STYLES"

Another stream of thoughts from my weird brain.

This time I won’t use any AI help with translating, so sorry if something will be unclear for you…

BUT! There is a hope that you have already forgotten about this site so you will never see this exposure…

I start with explaining photo with 3 different frames with my faces. As you already known, I’m not that briliant that’s why I’m dumb (first photo). Second one is dumb and dumber (I set up this perspective by purpose, so dumb is bigger there and dumber is sitting on my knees, or may it be this way – dumber sitting on dumb dumber?) and the last one is dumb, dumber, and dumberer around another dumb and dumbers. 

This 3 frames are describing my journey after our last whatsapp talk. After we had stopped to talk finally, I started to do research about what just happened and why it was so ridicolously explosive, tasty, rememberable…

I had started my own research long before I saw your post about „attachement styles” and Romeo ghosted Juliet.

I found a lot of really nice things on Internet and in talks with AI’s… There was a something about quo status effect (it’s about decision psychology – when you can’t make decision even if it would be better for you, because you feel fear), the sunk cost trap (when you invest a lot in something that you can’t end it), I also did some SWOT analysis of this situation and trying to separate emotions from logic thinking…

After that contrast effect cames – first I did it with Poland and Thailand/KL (as a place where I live and a new experience) and after contrast effect hit my current relation and our short story in KL…

Next Spotlight Effect, hunger shopping test… 

Day after day, hour after hour, minute after minute I just falling down in literature, articles, new ideas. 

I had even started to rationalizing – okay be REAL man – is that WAS just a „adventure” how you can feel like that after just 3 days, what is wrong with you. 

I even did this 7 day „YES” and „NO” experience (I found it somwhere – this experience means that you trying to live your life with already made decision for specified period of time)… 

Do you know what happened? Can you even imagine at this point?

Day one I was DUMB, then I was dumber, and after and after dumberest? I was constantly loosing track on what is going on even when I was known more and more. 

And of course you KNOW that I’m still watching your insta stories xd (I feel like old creepy prick who is looking stealthily on a pretty sexy little thing – AND LOL, EXACLY THAT IS WHAT IM DOING CURRENTLY XD)…

So when you posted this story about Romeo and Juliet and I saw it… It was like spectatular flash from the clouds straight into my head. 

I didn’t know yet what „Attachment Styles” WAS, but really I didn’t cared then because I already realized that I delved into information to deeply and forget about what I feel at all..

So thank you for that. It was really helpfull. 

I still don’t know what I want, but I definietly know what I don’t want and that is helpful. 

That’s why my world, my situation went so messy now… Cuz it’s already started… 

"MEL ROBBINS - 5 x WHY" + MINE REVERSE 5 x WHY & HOW

Here we go, next shit-talk chapter.

I never ever kept any-kind of diary… But I find it helpful to put IDEAS there and come back later to them. I think this can also assist my overwhelmed brain – so Yobydal.com for me is like pensieve for Dumbledore where he put his own ideas, thinks and memories.  

I also have a funny mention about this domain yobydal – I bought it as my company, put into my costs and send invoice to my accountant. I hadn’t thought alot about it, but then I realized that he can just enter it and check everything what I wrote there. And what is funny tho – I forget to set up noindex parameter… So for one month, when somebody was trying to find you by you name in Google he can found this site cuz I used „Charmaine Wong Szu Lin” keyword there.

HOPE NO ONE DOES XD

To be clear I FIXED it UP aleady.

So coming back to what motivated me to write another chapter of my „diary” (still trying to figure out why I castrating myself continously) – it was a nice podcast that one unique little Malaysian hamster sent to me last time when we were chatting. It took me almost 2 weeks to found time for myself and listen to this and gather some thoughts about. 

So this 5 why process is commonly used and well known in business, I have heard about it many times on entrepreneur podcasts that I follow. Whenever I have heard about it, it was always used to iterate corporate processes and procedures, and I never thought about using it for personal decisions and desires. It’s brilliant to use it in those cases thoo…

I also found that it can be helpful used in understanding what happened in the past and why some consequent acctions arrived in our lifes. I will create example with it and with my Asian TRIP, because it’s hard to describre for me when I don’t use AI translation help.

I think you can’t understand it anyway, this INCEPTION of „why” IS UNREAL XD

Preview image – I didn’t post my own thoughts here. Looking at the 5Why method „in reverse”, you can notice that consecutive events should perfectly fit with the insights and needs from the previous step. In theory, this makes them an ideal ‘test’ of whether we’re moving in the right direction. Sad story that works only backwards.

Going back to the podcast – thank you for sending it to me. By diving deep with the ‘why’ questions (like into a ‘business bag’ of sorts), I uncovered some interesting conclusions about where my desire to achieve more in life, materially speaking, really comes from. And, unsurprisingly, it all traces back to childhood…

I also applied the same framework to relationships and my current situation. And while I might still not know what I do want, I at least know what I don’t want and Im sure about it.